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The Deep Why

Exactly 5 months ago, I sat in my living room with a few of my best friends and we discussed having intentional lives. The conversation was real and honest. It began with knowing and identifying the life and the personality unique to me. Then I wrote down what I really wanted from life, my dreams, hopes and goals. Lastly, for those dreams to be worth claiming as a honest part of who I would become they needed to reflect who I already was designed to be AND there must be a Deep and Meaningful Reason for pursuing them.  I was ready to bend and stretch and grow. For years I had prayed, and cried because I knew that I WANTED adoption to be a part of our story. I also told myself that I was mistaken because God had not opened the door for us. Maybe there was no door. . .By the end of that evening with my friends, I knew beyond all doubt that Mothering was who I was, Adoption was my want, and it was so embedded in the fibers of my heart that I could never remove it. The best part was th...
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Waiting for the Homestudy

We have been in the home-study process for our adoption for 4 months. That is probably a pretty normal timeline for most families. We really got going on it at the beginning of November 2017 and by mid-December nearly everything, including our home-study visits, was complete. January and February have passed by though and we are still waiting for the official signed off document to be placed in our hands. Mostly, I have been peaceful and free from frustration as far as the process goes. There has been other areas of my heart that have struggled to make sense of the intensity of adoption but those thoughts and feelings are not a part of this post. As we are expecting any moment to claim completion of the home-study, I find myself becoming increasingly thankful for every day we've waited thus far. The longer I have to sit and ponder and pray and struggle and enjoy what is in front of me right in the moment is a gift that brings valuable clarity. By nature I want to rush right in, I ...
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Someday

THIS. . .Is My Heart in 2013. Someday there will be an adventure. . .the "There" that I want to find. But what I've come to is that no matter what. . .there is a future and it is God's adventure not mine. If God is my loving Father he loves my dream. I even believe he put that dream in me. Just like my five year old may have a dream of a birthday party or maybe even a cupcake four days from now. As his parents we are excitedly planning his special day because we love him. We even provided the suggestion of those hopes.  It doesn't matter how good or disobedient he will be. We will celebrate regardless. He knows that at some point our plans and his dream will intersect. Does he worry, expect, and control the outcome. no. I have always struggled with failed expectations being a controlling person. In my heart I want to be like my soon to be five year old. excitement because of the dream. God doesn't want me to doubt his planning abilities! He's got it. He ...
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Filling in the Gap

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What a surprise! Jason just told me to write a blog. Tell this part of our story. So. Here I am. I turned on the computer, went to search "Blogger" and here are my old posts. And the treasure of all treasure. . .unpublished posts! Intimate ones that I never shared because that piece of our story was hoped for but still unwritten. It makes it easier to start writing since I don't have to worry about the awkward first post. Still, my linear brain isn't sure that I love the huge gap in our story. That piece of us is all captioned on Instagram , with no gaps! Babies, moves, puppies, friends, family, schooling, the every dailys, and now our new adventure. Sigh. This really is a good starting place actually. Wow. I should not go forward without remembering where I was when I first ached to adopt. How tied up my heart was in my own plan. First I must sit here and realize how long ago that dream became and how much God packed into my life in the gap.
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An Emergency Trip to Michigan and THE CUB IS ONE!

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I guess that I must document the unfortunate events as well as the blessings.  On July 10 I received one of those stomach sinking texts "URGENT, CALL ME" from my mother.  I called. It was the kids' lunch time. Mom said, "Paul is gone." What? I didn't understand what she was trying to say. My heart was prepared for loss just from the tone of her text but this didn't make sense.  Mom just married Paul 6 weeks ago.  They were over the moon in love with each other. They were going on their honeymoon tomorrow. After being left once, abused, surviving cancer, my mother was finally going to be cared for into her golden years.  So, "What?" Paul was never revived from his massive heart attack.  He was healthy, so we thought. He was a man of Giant Sized Faith.  He is gone. I cried, called PaPa, and moved through the lunch preparations.  For me death couldn't stop the life that I had to keep going in that moment.  When my man came home from work we hu...
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Judah is 5!

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A friend asked me if I felt sad that my first born is 5 years old now.  Nope, not at all.  With each new phase since he was a baby I've thought he was just getting neater and neater. It sounds silly to say but I really think his birthday made him even more cool.  Judah is by nature a pleaser, encourager, and friend seeker.  He will jump into conversation with any person along the way.  He is thoughtful.  Just yesterday he told me "Momma you are the sweetest." Me, "Thanks buddy. I try." Judah, "No momma, you are!" I love his heart and I wish I could bottle moments like those. Watching him grow and learn is a never-ending wonder.  Still the little boy in him does get a little crazy at times.  For Judah's birthday we had a Shoot-em-up party, complete with new Nerf weapons, water balloon sling shot (mostly for the Dads), and a tennis ball 50 cal gun made by one of our Army friends.  Let's just say the cows across the field got a little bath on ...
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The Cub is on the Move

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He really is everywhere.  One week ago he was just beginning his mobile journey into the world and now he's pulling up, pulling down, cruisin', waving, babbling, and showing us just how Soooo BIG he is! Big Brother and Little Brother are having a blast with their crawling races around my kitchen.  
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